James Gamble @jamesdotgamble@penguicon.social

Cashier: Woah, 32 boxes of mac and cheese... having a party tonight?

Me: ...

Cashier: ...

Me: ...

Cashier: ...

Me: ...sure

The reason ABBA never did music festivals is that Agnetha once got stuck in the toilet. A portaloo. Couldn't escape if she wanted to.

I feel like @wilw's character in Big Bang Theory is a continuation of his character from The Guild.

1990s Pixar: This is a story about love and friendship.

Today's Pixar: We're going to put you into a deep existential crisis and slowly dig you out. You will never be the same and you will question what it is to be human. Also, enjoy this talking animal.

2:00 PM - I'm gonna save the other half of this sandwich for later.

2:06 PM - Time to finish that sandwich.

I am nearly 43% convinced that Uncle Kracker grows a beard every year and moonlights as Chris Stapleton.

Movies in the 80s: In the 2000s, we'll have flying cars, robot housekeepers, and interstellar travel.

2022: Deodorant still rubs off on the inside of your shirt and some people think the Earth is flat.

It's easier to practice self-restraint from dumb choices as you get older. Not because you're wiser, but because you're tired.

Anneke: "He's probably thinking about other girls."

Me: "If I clean a vacuum cleaner, am I a vacuum cleaner?"

No one talks about Jesus' miracle of having twelve close friends in his thirties.

[Inside a Washing Machine]

Duvet Cover: Climb in my brothers!

Every single piece of clothing: We shall build a new life in the big sock.

The invention of glue...

Guy #1: I bet if we melt a horse, we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

Guy #2: Dude... is everything okay at home?

Hi @feliciaday, it took me nearly a decade but I finally finished The Guild. I liked the whole run, but the ending was super satisfying. I’m glad Codex finally figured out her life. Thanks for the run!

Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything.

Whoever is making cheese commercials can stop and save their money. We're buying cheese and we're never going to stop buying cheese.

If you get new tires, go ahead and get a wheel alignment too. The extra $80-$90 is worth it when you consider that it will extend the life of your tires, give you a quieter ride, and let the vehicle adhere to the road a lot better when it's rainy out.

I bought Anneke a pregnancy pillow for her birthday and tried it out for the first time and I've never been so comfortable in my life. Also, it has a belly support pillow. It works equally well for pregnant women and fat men.

Everyone knows that pressing the key fob once locks the car, but only the real car people know that pressing it like eight or nine times SUPER locks it.

One was given to Monica, in his life.
One was given to Erica, by his side.
One was given to Sandra, in the sun.
One was given to Mary, all night long.

But they were all of them deceived.
Deep in the fires of Mount Doom, the
Dark Lord Lou Bega forged a master
mambo, M…

In retrospect, it might have been a mistake to give Facebook all of my personal information in exchange for seeing what my high school friends eat for dinner.